Confessions

I’ve decided to start writing here again because this is one of the places I know I can be true to myself. This is the only place I know where I can share all that I feel. Everything’s been like a roller coaster lately, so I’ve decided to go back to writing – personal writing.

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I’m at an exciting – confusing – stage in my life right now. Women in their mid-40s know what I’m talking about. Everyday, there’s always something new to discover, to learn, and to feel. Sometimes, I find myself thinking too much and I end up getting stressed. I’ve learned to depend on prayers and yoga to help keep things at bay, though.

The past weeks have been extra challenging for me because of three different reasons: 1) my work, which requires absolute time and attention; 2) my high school alma mater’s 60th foundation anniversary and my batch’s involvement in the preparations & program; and, 3) rehearsals (and other matters) for our production of this year’s The Vagina Monologues & A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and A Prayer. For two (or three?) weeks, I found myself leaving the house either early in the morning or at noon, and then getting back home at around 10 or 11 at night. Reason #2 is done and over with now, so I’m juggling just two things at this point. It’s still quite grueling because rehearsals are in the evening, when I’m supposed to just lie down and relax. But, I have no complaints. Those who know me well know that TVM and MMRP are my lifelong advocacies. I’d do anything to get them performed, staged, seen, and heard by as many people as possible.

I’m a bit frustrated, though, because some things just don’t turn out the way you want them to, no matter how much effort and dedication you put into them. In the case of my work, I’m never satisfied with what I’m doing. I feel like I’m not doing enough. And I feel like there’s always something missing – and there’s always something better I can do. Sometimes, I feel like time is running away from me because I’m not able to stick to my work plan for a particular day. But, I’m lucky I have a job I love. That’s the best reward for all the hard work I am doing.

It’s also frustrating to be totally dedicated and excited about projects like The Vagina Monologues & A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and A Prayer…because it’s so difficult to find support; to get sponsors. It’s even difficult to get a venue! Ppfffttt!!! Anyway, we’re pushing through, no matter what. We continue to rehearse; we continue to invite people. We continue to hope. Because if we don’t; if I don’t, who’ll be the voice of the millions of women (and children, LGBT, and men) suffering from violence?

I haven’t had a lot of time for myself in the past weeks. I haven’t had enough time to pamper myself, to watch a movie with the hubby, to travel & explore; to simply sit down and relax. I complain from time-to-time; but I know I am blessed. And I am grateful. Despite the confusing (sometimes scary) experiences of a 40-something, I carry on because God has given me the strength, talents, and opportunities to do so. I know He still has a lot of wonderful, blessed plans for me – and for the many others who share my hopes and dreams.

I’m okay. I’m all right. I am blessed. And I’m happy to be alive and doing everything I am doing!

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The Vagina Monologues and A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, & A Prayer will be staged next month. Details on the poster below. Venue details will be posted soon. Follow us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pagbantogVDAY

Poster art by Shaun Pilapil.

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